Hello everyone, I am the family education instructor Guo Ma~
In "Mother's Influence", there is such a passage:
Even if a family is surrounded by walls, as long as there is an upright, kind, hard-working, and optimistic mother, then such a family is the temple and source of spiritual growth. A mother's influence on her child is like a never-ending force that will continue to affect her child's life.
As a mother, we take on more responsibility for the upbringing of our children.
However, our influence on children is definitely not only as simple as taking care of life, but also giving children a different character through their words and deeds.
If one day, you find that your child resents you very much, like an "enemy", then it may not be your child's problem.
Because, what children are most afraid of encountering are these three kinds of mothers.
These three types of mothers can easily raise their children into "enemies", are you one of them?
01 A mother who can't control her emotions
Seen such a news.
A woman in a white blouse and her daughter dine at a restaurant.
But the girl accidentally fell, and then the ice cream in her hand spilled all over the floor, and the point is, the clothes were soiled.
According to the normal "mother's logic", the most likely thing to reprimand is why the daughter is so careless, most mothers will presumably comfort the daughter who has fallen.
But this mother surprised everyone, not only did she constantly reprimand her daughter, but also showed pulling behavior. In the end, the mother couldn't bear it anymore, and even picked up a small stool on the side and smashed it at her daughter.
The clerk originally thought it was an argument between customers, but he didn't expect that it was a mother who was beating her child, so he hurried to stop it.
One of the clerks held the child tightly in his arms to avoid subsequent injuries.
It's just that the clerk protected the girl for a while, and with such a mother who is difficult to control her emotions, what will the girl become in the future?
Some people say that mom is in a bad mood because dad doesn't perform well, or because she's stressed.
But no matter what the reason, there is one thing that cannot be denied, that is: the mother sprinkled her anger on the child.
In psychology, this is the classic "kick-in effect".
The so-called "kicking cat effect" refers to a chain reaction that vents inner dissatisfaction with objects that are weaker than oneself or lower in rank than oneself.
A typical story of the "kicking cat effect" is: the leader is angry with the boss, and the anger is sprinkled on the employee Xiao Wang, Xiao Wang blames his wife for all kinds of wrongs after returning home, and the wife sees that the child is not pleasing everywhere and teaches a lesson, the child is angry, and finally kicks the cat at home.
Makarenko has such a passage in "Parents Must Read": If you hit and scold your child, it will be a misfortune for the child in any case, which is not only painful and hurtful, but also develops the child's cold habits and stubborn character.
Especially for mothers in the family, the mother's emotions and expressions are the children's "code of conduct".
When mothers find it difficult to control their emotions, their children become fearful, insecure, and confused about the future.
The mother is very emotionally stable, and the child is brave and fearless, and the future is bright.
02 A mother who has a strong desire to control
Do you still remember the "prodigy" Zhang Xinyang?
Born in 95, he was admitted to university at the age of 10, studied for a master's degree at the age of 13, and studied for a doctorate at the age of 16.
Such a prodigy should have a bright future, but in his struggle with his parents' desire to control, he lost this future.
His parents, hoping that their children can inherit their dreams, have been extremely strict with Zhang Xinyang since he was a child, not watching TV, not receiving guests at home, just to study hard.
When he was a child, Zhang Xinyang was obedient and sensible, but as he grew up, he also understood that his parents' desire to control him was beyond what he thought was reasonable.
Then, this son gradually became an "enemy", fighting his parents in various ways: he wanted to buy a house to participate in the master's thesis defense, he wanted to go abroad, and so on.
Many people will think that Zhang Xinyang is upgrading too fast in school and his mind is not mature enough.
However, isn't his mental immaturity, including his current situation, caused by his parents' extremely tough "desire to control"?
What does it feel like to be controlled all your life?
It's like you like soup, but your parents force you to add coriander to the soup that you want to vomit when you smell it.
When we were children, we wanted to escape, but we couldn't;
When we grow up, we finally escape, but the damage caused by this desire to control will never go away.
As a mother, it must be for the good of the child.
However, who can know what kind of path is the best for children?
Only by walking on your own can you know how to take the road.
As parents, we can be the guides, but we cannot be the ones who "replace" the children to walk, so that the children will not be able to walk.
03 A mother who likes moral kidnapping
In the face of moral kidnapping, we have words of suffering.
When children face the moral kidnapping of their parents, they may not be aware of it, but their three views and thoughts are so affected.
Have you ever heard these words, or have you ever said them to your children:
If you can't get a good score, I'm sorry that my mother has worked hard to raise you for so many years!
I've worked so hard to raise you so big, and now your wings are stiff, and you're disobedient, aren't you?
I'm your mother, it's all for your good, can I still harm you?
Seriously, it's really scary for a mother to think like this.
First of all, my mother has put herself in a "giving" role, and she feels that she has sacrificed a lot and wants to get something in return, what's abnormal?
However, raising a child is something we decide and want to do, not a child begging us to raise him.
We didn't ask our child for advice, he came into the world, so there is no reason for us to morally kidnap our own child.
Secondly, as mothers, our lives are not all for our children, but also for ourselves. If you expect too much from something, the more likely you will be disappointed and affect your mood. So, why not give yourself more of it?
Think about it from another perspective, the child may still think that he is studying for our parents!
We cannot "morally kidnap" children in the name of "love".
This kind of moral kidnapping will make the child bored and want to escape, but the child is also very easy to be full of guilt and condemn himself.
It's really unfortunate for a child to grow up like this.
"Moral kidnapping" is too heavy, let the child fly, perhaps, he can fly higher.
Written at the end of the article
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once told a point of view: Why does the original family hurt people?
You give your child hatred, but you want to get love from your child.
You have given your child pain, but you want to gain gratitude from your child.
You have given the child a shadow, but you are delusional that the child will always be positive and uplifted, without any haze.
None of this will ever be possible.