Text: Guan Meilin Editor: Jia Fangfang
Source: Marriage & Family Magazine
A person's life is not all easy, and a marriage built by two people will not be exempt from difficulties and setbacks because of a good relationship.
So, when two people encounter setbacks in their marriage, how do people respond?
01
If your marriage is frustrated, where to go
We've probably seen two very different endings.
One is that in the face of setbacks, two people complain and blame each other, which is what people often say, "they can share joys and sorrows, but they can't share sorrows".
For example, if the husband is laid off, the stay-at-home wife will be very anxious, and then complain that the husband does not work hard and cannot provide a stable life for himself and his children.
The husband was already very depressed because of his unemployment, however, not only did he not receive the sympathy and comfort of his wife, but he was also accused of being unreliable, and his irritability can be imagined.
Against this background, quarrels and the Cold War are expected to start soon.
If similar scenes are repeated repeatedly, the marriage may also slowly disintegrate in the wear and tear of feelings.
Even if it does not disintegrate for various reasons, the seamless trust and closeness between the two people may be greatly consumed, and it will take a lot of effort to rebuild it in the future.
This kind of ending is obviously not what we want, so what kind of ending do we want?
Although setbacks in marriage are inevitable, facing difficulties and overcoming difficulties together is part of the meaning of marriage.
We find another person to spend our lives with, not only to enjoy happy time with them, but also to have their support, understanding and love in times of difficulty.
Therefore, the partner's ability to resist frustration is particularly precious for the progress of marriage, and it is also an important ability for us to improve before marriage.
When it comes to resilience, there was a middle-aged couple who made a particularly deep impression on me, and I am still particularly touched when I think about it now.
The intersection with them is because of their child, an autistic boy. Because of this developmental disorder, boys have brought all kinds of "troubles" to their parents, which are unimaginable and experienced by ordinary people.
For example, children keep screaming and running at home every day, neighbors come to complain every day, parents have to apologize to neighbors every day, and they have to find various ways to make their children quiet, and they have been doing it for more than ten years.
In counseling, I occasionally encounter families with the same problem, usually seeing parents who are exhausted and full of sadness, and even encountered cases where the father divorced and left because he could not face such a life dilemma.
Based on this experience, when I saw the parents of this autistic boy smiling and soft-spoken when dealing with such a difficult problem, and the relationship between the two was very good, to be honest, I was really shocked, so much so that I would often ask myself: If I encounter such difficulties, can I reach the realm of this pair of parents?
This couple is our role model, who can be calm and work together in the face of major setbacks, and maintain intimacy, grace and calmness in the face of seemingly broken life.
02
Grow together, the more frustrated you are, the more you love
So, how can we improve our resilience to frustration?
First, we must learn to truly accept setbacks so that we can dare to face them.
This courage is not something that everyone has automatically.
Some people become ostriches in the face of setbacks, burying their heads in the sand and pretending that nothing has happened, which is avoidance.
Some people get by in the face of setbacks, deceive themselves, and say that grapes are sour when they can't eat grapes, which is self-deception.
There are also people who lose their rationality in the face of frustration and use angry emotional outbursts instead of rational discussion of problems, which is aggressive.
All of these psychological defenses are something we need to be aware of and adjust.
We must dare to face up to setbacks, which is a part of life. It does not mean failure, nor is it God's punishment for us, but a situation that each of us will encounter sooner or later.
Since setbacks can't be avoided, it's better to use the opportunity to cope with them to grow.
Second, it is also very important to learn to maintain emotional stability in the face of adversity.
Emotional stability helps the brain think rationally, identify problems, and find the best solution to solve them.
However, many people do not have such mental toughness when faced with problems. Some people will be deeply frustrated and unable to extricate themselves, ruminating the pain over and over again, and of course, they will not be able to solve the problem, let alone grow in the problem.
Therefore, when we encounter a difficult situation, if we don't need to make decisions and solve it immediately, we can calm down ourselves first by using our own methods. It may be more helpful to try to distract ourselves, exercise, sleep, talk to someone, and then come back and face the problem rationally.
Third, it is also very important to think rationally in the face of setbacks.
There must be a reason for the setback, it may be that we have insufficient prediction or unpreparedness for the problem, which leads to great disappointment; it may also be that we have too high expectations of ourselves, but there is a gap between our ability and reality, so we have a sense of frustration; it may also be that we overestimate our control over things and lack awareness of the uncertainty and uncontrollability of life, so we cannot accept the accident......
In short, if we find the cause of the setback, we will be better prepared for similar things in the future, that is, we will be able to grow through this setback, which will reduce the chance of experiencing setbacks in the future.
In the process of facing setbacks together, if partners can encourage and support each other, it may be an important opportunity for emotional stability and sublimation in the marriage.
One of the characteristics of the human brain is that we may be less sensitive to the icing on the cake, but we are more sensitive to the help of the snow, which means that we are more grateful to those who have helped us in difficult situations.
Therefore, the experience of husband and wife sharing hardships will greatly promote the occurrence of feelings such as gratitude, trust, and dependence between two people, and the parties will cherish and appreciate the person in front of them more.
This kind of life experience of sharing hardships and hardships will also be more able to withstand the challenges of future difficulties and temptations, so as to maintain the stability and fidelity of the marriage.
In short, a good marriage requires both husband and wife to know romance and love, but also to improve psychological resilience.
When we are fully prepared, we will no longer worry about the fear of setbacks, but will be able to enjoy the good emotions more fully, and have the confidence to face the challenges that may arise in the future, and gain a true sense of inner security.
Experts of this issue
Guan Merlin
Positive psychologist, deputy secretary-general of the Alumni Association of the Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, lecturer of national excellent courses, member of the Youth Professional Committee of the Chinese Mental Health Association, and associate tutor of graduate students in applied psychology of Beijing Forestry University.
This article is excerpted from the February 2024 issue of Marriage & Family magazine
Original title: "Find a partner who can tide over difficulties together"